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PHILOSOPHY IN THE BOUDOIR
                                                           by Bernard Marcoux, Sainte-Adèle  

 

 

 

 

 

Why did human being invent bridge? 

 

 

 

 Probably to prolong sexual pleasure.  Oops!  What am I saying?  

 

Well, some will say: What a twisted mind! 

 

How can we talk sex about bridge?  It seems obvious to me.

 

As sexuality is limited in time, human being was forced to create other games that would give as much fun as sex, but would

last longer.  Hence the invention of the bridge. QED. 

 

When a sex session with your spouse has lasted an hour or two (I know, I know, I embellish, but I am a man after all), it is the

top (you see, we are not far from bridge).  

 

At bridge, this pleasure with your spouse (!) lasts 3 hours or more, with several tops and several fiascos, this last word used by

French author Stendhal to describe precisely a sexual failure.  You see again that sex and bridge are not far apart. 

 

Between two or three tops per week in bed (I know, I know I exaggerate yet again), and 4-5 tops or more per night at the bridge

club, there is no dilemma: quick, let’s go to the bridge club.  Especially that tops in bed are exhausting, while tops at bridge,

you often only sit there and they fall from the sky!

 

Others tops, however, occur because they are conjured, imagined, they are created from scratch by the mere power of your

mind.  At these moments, one can live a very erotic experience!

 

LHO opens 1NT 15-17.  Your hand:


K x x  
K 7 3
Q x x
A K x x
 

Your partner passes, responder also and you decide to pass, your flat distribution not appropriate for balancing. Your partner

 leads the 5 of hearts (3rd/5th).

 

Dummy

A 10 x x
Q 9 x
10 x x
J x x 

 

You
K x x
K 7 x
Q x x
A K x x
 

This beginning does not look very exciting.  

 

Declarer calls for small in dummy, you play the 7 and declarer wins the 8.  

 

Declarer plays the Q, partner plays the 8 (reverse count, showing three cards), dummy plays small, and you too.  

 

Declarer then plays the J, 7 from partner, small in dummy.

 

Like the desire that sometimes occurs without warning, instinctively, you duck again, without haste or hesitation. 

 

This flirt with danger excites you, especially as it is good bridge : you duck to have a chance to beat the contract (you are

playing team game), to give declarer a chance to go wrong.  

 

Indeed, South plays a third spade, your partner follows and declarer is at the crossroads : to play the Ace or not, as Hamlet

would say ?  Two seconds pass, 6, 10, 15, 30 seconds, declarer hesitates, sniffing the air like an animal, trying to sense the

danger.  

 

The animal would not go wrong, but a human being cannot reasonably believe that you have stiffed your King of spades.  

 

All your senses are awakened.  Your heart is pounding.  You relive your first love at first sight. What a pleasure !  South finally

calls for the 10 in dummy and you win your stiff King.  First plateau of pleasure !

 

You enjoy this first success and take a breather.  

 

How can you now lead this to the ultimate point, like the surrealists would say ?  "Courage is something that needs to be

organized," said the French writer Malraux.  Like a top and sexual pleasure at bridge, or vice versa, as you like!

 

Now the King of clubs ?...  NO!   

 

Keep your libido in check… and your nerves!  Exit in diamonds, hoping your partner has the Jack.  Declarer plays the Ace

(2 from partner, she likes), followed by the King. 

 

Seeing the endplay coming (the fiasco), you throw your Queen under the King (are we not ready sometimes to drop everything

for a flirt?). 

 

South plays a 3rd Diamond, Jack from your partner, who also cashes 8, everybody discarding a club.  

 

The position is now:
 

Dummy

A
Q 9
--
J x

 

You
--
K x
---
A K x

 

 

Everything is ready, ecstasy is approaching.  

 

Your partner holds your destiny in her hands. 

 

 All she needs now is J10 of hearts (is it not fortunate that the heart is at the heart of this flirt?).  

 

You are not asking for much, only J10 of hearts. You glance at her and her face, her allure, her posture, everything tells you she

 will play the Jack of hearts.

 

 After the 8 of Diamonds, she puts the Jack of hearts on the table! 

 

You do not believe your eyes, you have succeeded. 

 

Your heart skips a beat, you almost faint, you soar in the sky : the top is there, within easy reach.

 

You're ready to swear loyalty to her until the end of your days, or hers, or at least until the end of the hand. 

 

Your bold flirt, brilliant and risky, has created tricks that were non-existent for the defence.

 

You already see the +50 that you will proudly show your partners (1 spade, 2 hearts, 2 diamonds and 2 clubs). Added to their

 90 (you doubt that your opponents can play as well as you!), you will earn 5 beautiful Imps created by a flirt, a daring trap set

 for declarer.

 

While you float on cloud nine, inebriated by the fragrance of this intellectual orgasm, dreaming of your future glory (this hand will

surely appear in newspapers), at the supreme moment, South ducks in dummy !!!???  What’s happening ?  This play really

makes you get off your cloud.  

 

Forced to return to earth, you look at the situation.  What can you do?

 

The more you think about it, the more you see that there's nothing to do. 

 

South’s latest coup, so simple, cancels your two brilliant shots.  

 

Upset, disenchanted, frustrated, you play a small heart on your partner’s Jack. South takes the Ace and endplays you in

hearts!  Finished!  South will write +90 instead of -50.

 

Very impressed by this competent play, you take a look at declarer and you notice for the first time that it is a woman.

 

Trying to make eye contact to compliment her on the quality of her game, you only see at first her magnificent rasta-style

chestnut hair.  Sensing your eyes on her, she turns her head towards you, her emerald eyes plunge deep into your soul (and

even a little farther) and she says :


- In these troubled times, isn’t bridge the safest form of sex?