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THE LOGIC OF WOMEN

by Bernard Marcoux, Montreal

 

Travelling in France, more precisely in Fougères (south of St-Malo), my wife discovers in a shop a small candy box with irresistible colours (tomato and crowned with a turquoise line) that she decides to buy for her sister.  Absolutely beautiful.  

 

Leaving Fougères, I learn that we will have to find a solid container to transport this fragile vase !  Logic, I tell myself. 

 

The next day, we pass through Villedieu-les-Poêles (Villedieu-the-Pans literally).  Why this name?  Because there they just make and sell pots and pans. Always logic!  Walking through the village, there is however a problem: there are 80 shops of stoves and pans. Where to buy?

 

My wife, eminently logical, asks the butcher: When you want to buy cooking things, where do you go?  And the butcher tells us of a mill, Mauviel, just outside the village.

 

 My wife goes in there with the mission to buy an oval casserole large enough to house the poor little candy box. These Mauviel pots, it must be said, are the best in the world: copper outside (the copper is the best conductor of heat) and stainless steel inside.  The candy box finally finds refuge in the casserole and everyone heaves a big sigh of relief.  

 

However, when we go to pay, we learn that we cannot enjoy the Tax-free (18%) unless we buy for a higher amount. We then buy something else to achieve this amount. Logic, I said to myself, a little dizzy by the speed of the women’s mind. At the very least, I put it in the box To understand later, wondering if I will ever one day access this higher form of intelligence.  We spend 100 Euros more and in order to save 50.  Logical, no?  To convince me even more, my wife puts an end to any hint of But… by saying:  We saved money because, even if the cooker had cost twice as much, I would have bought anyway!

 

Imagine all the Taxes that we could have saved then!

 

Change of subject, but always in the same vein: do you know why my wife, a former smoker, no longer wants to smoke ?  Because she knows now she can stop!  I know, I know, this form of logic escapes you, you’re probably still trying to understand the episode of the pots and pans, but we must recognize one day that we, men, are inferior beings.

 

 So I don’t really know why I bother to ask the next question, because I am sure you will fail miserably: what is a finesse ?  And don’t answer me like they do in France: But, sir?? As if the answer was obvious.  Let’s see an example, maybe you will understand better (I hope.  If so, you will explain me later).

 

Axxx

 

DV10x

 

Suppose you play the Queen, West plays small, dummy plays small and East wins the King. Have you taken a finesse ?

 

 According to my wife, No, because East won its King.  Now suppose you play the Queen and West covers, you win the Ace.

 

 Have you taken a finesse ?  Still no, since West played its King. The only real finesse, according to my wife, is this: you play

 the Queen and it goes small, small, small, no matter the position of King.  Brilliant, I tell myself sometimes at night, when I

 have insomnia.

 

You play 3NT with a diamond lead.

 

Dummy

xx

AQ8

Kxxxxx

Q10

 

You

Kxx

J109

AQ

KJxxx

 

I played this hand in Biarritz against French world champions Adad-Aujaleu.

 

There are many tricks available in diamonds and clubs, but how can you cash them ? 

 

Communications are almost nonexistent. You can unblock in diamonds, play a heart to the Queen (necessary for the success of the contract) and play King of Diamonds and diamond, but I chose another line. 

 

As you have to place the Ace of clubs on your left to avoid the killing spade switch through your King, I played a club at the 2nd trick, and dummy’s Queen won. A little relieved, I played another club from dummy.  West ducked, of course (not my partner to other table, but he has a good excuse : he is not world champion).  I returned to hand with a Diamond and I played the club King, West won the Ace.  West then has 4 diamonds and 4 clubs.

 

West returned a diamond, dummy’s King won and I am locked in dummy.  What to do now?  

 

Do you see the solution?  If you have never bought a casserole in Villedieu-les-Poêles to house a candy box for the sister of your wife, and if you did not then spent 100 Euros more order to save 50, you do not have access to this way of thinking, to this form of logic that would have confused St. Thomas himself.

 

Think about it a little: if the heart finesse was necessary to the success of this contract, then the King has to be with West.

 

And it is still there, because cards do not travel during the play.

 

I played the Queen of hearts from dummy, unblocking the 10 from hand, sort of reverse finesse, apparently outlandish, but quite logical, that I have learned by shopping with my wife. 

 

 Well, my friends, there was a long silence.  Adad, to my right, threw me a glance meaning without doubt:  This guy plays like

 my wife! 

 

Aujaleu, to my left, also threw me a glance, put his cards on the table and began to think, a good 5 minutes, saying obviously to  himself :  Who is this guy? And how come he knows the wife of Adad ?

 

I saw that they did not understand, the world champions. World Champions of what?  Of men, and only men.

 

If Aujaleu takes his heart King and his Ace of Spades (him or his partner), I will make the rest.  If he ducks the heart Queen, I

 end play him in diamonds and the result is the same. After a good amount of time, Aujaleu decided to duck, hoping the 9 of

 hearts with his partner.

 

 I end played him in diamonds and he returned a club.  I won and played the Jack of hearts, he covered and I then made the 9

 in my hand for 10 tricks, a gain of only 1 Imp, but an important psychological victory (we won the match by one mile). 

 

Dummy

xx

AQ8

Kxxxxx

Q10

Aujaleu                                Adad

Ax                                        QJ10xxx

Kxx                                      xxxx

J10xx                                    x

A9xx                                     xx

You

Kxx

J109

AQ

KJxxx

 

How would you call this play ?

 

Follow closely : the finesse is good, but we don’t take it.  Not only we don’t take it, but we don’t take it because it is good. 

 Pretty deep, no ? 

 

 And when we play the heart Queen from dummy, we make a reverse finesse, as the original finesse was good. 

 

Still following ? 

 

And when West ducks the heart Queen, well, we obtain the exact definition of a finesse according to my wife. 

 

 Would you like me now to explain the logic behind the buying of the casserole and the 100 Euros spent in order to save 50 ? 

 

 Not today, you say ?  Too bad.

 

I leave you still with this thought:

 

the next time someone tells you play as a woman, say Thank you and be grateful to your wife because, by forcing you to shop

with her, she educated you and succeeded in getting you your macho thinking.